If any of you know what TWLOHA is, most probably know the story behind it is about Renee. Well she has put together a book of her journals, and it is out now. I can't wait until I'm able to buy it, I can't wait to read it.

    A curse, an appeal to a supernatural power to inflict harm on someone or something, real or fake? I’ve never thought of a curse to be something real, only something we see in the cartoons as children, nothing big, just a little problem. Maybe they are real, maybe they aren’t just ways Disney spices up their stories. Maybe, just maybe they are for real people to feel.

    I’m pretty sure this is curse on me, it’s the only thing that has been able to make since. Some would say it’s just bad luck, or that’s just life, but this has gone on longer then bad luck or the events of life would put on a person. What the hell am I talking about, I honestly don’t really no. This is probably the lack of sleep, and an overload of emotions getting to me, but somehow it does make sense. My curse, I am thinking, has been laid upon by my father. I’ve told the story plenty of times, my father died when I was seven due to suicide, I’m done explaining that part. Why would my father, someone who loves me lay a ‘curse’ on me? What kind of curse would he put on me?

    I’m pretty positive my curse is I’m not ever meant to be happy, ever. That sounds overly dramatic, and emo. I know. Fuck it. Eleven years, eleven years of unhappiness and complete pain. The happy moments, the few there are, last so short it’s like they barely are even there. It’s constant, never ending. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I won’t ever be happy, that I’m not allowed to or something. That someone enjoys me suffering?  Why my father? It doesn’t make much sense, really.

    Let me explain a bit, recent things that involve the past year. My senior year, a time where I am meant to be super happy, enjoy life, I spend most of it in a bed, like a zombie feeling like I’m dying. The one I’ve fallen for, hard, is completely gone out of my life forever. The friendship we has, pretty sure that doesn’t even exist anymore. A person I’ve seen as my best friend, betrays me more then I thought anyone would ever do. A time when I think happiness is right at my grasps with someone, gets taken away just as fast it began. Only a bit of my year, I’m sure, since I don’t remember half of it.

    Yeah, a curse. To have me completely unhappy, and alone in the world? Losing the people I’ve known to care about the most. Feeling like I’m dead, when I’m still alive. Why would he of all people do this to me. Maybe to show me that everyone is only as bitter as him? That life isn’t all that great, and people are always going to hurt you in the long run? No matter how much you care and love for them?  I honestly don’t know, I would love these answers.

I’m sure I’ll add to this, once my mind is clear and everything. It just felt good to get that out. 

To Write Love On Her Arms, it’s a movement to present “hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide.” It all began with one person story, and now it’s about every ones.

I’ve known about TWLOHA for awhile now, but I never took much time to ever get involved with it. I had that cynical attitude of “What could that really do for anyone?” Boy, was I wrong on that. The other week I finally read the entire story behind TWLOHA. Wow, I was taken back. I find it so amazing and inspirational. I found the link to the street team, and joined. At this time I had recently relapsed in my self injury. I wanted to get the word out there about it. Me being someone who struggles with self-injury, and slight depression. I wanted to help inform people who had no idea about these issues, and open their eyes. I wanted to let the people who struggle with these issues, to know there is a way to find hope. When I joined the street team, I only expected to find a place to inform others. I didn’t know I was going to be joining a people who are like a family, talking in the forums. Ready to be there just to talk when you need to. Willing to offer ways of help if you need it. All I can say is I am so happy I found TWLOHA. I know now if I ever get to my low points, I know that there are people out there how do care.

Love IS the movement.

Three guys who I have trusted in my life.  The first my father, of course. What child doesn’t trust a loving caring person who loves you more then anything. Exactly, my point. I was what you called a daddy’s girl. The girl who would rather play around outside around my father with his tools, then with a Barbie.  Who would rather play on the sports team your father couched, then take dance lessons. The point being, I’d rather do anything with my father then something without him, back in the day. More or less, my father was my idol when I was a little girl, and he still is, even though with the situation I face now with him. What is that? Well when I was about seven years old, he took his own life. I will never know the reasons, and never get the answer I crave for. The problem is, I never found out that it was suicide until about five years later, not from my mom, no, but from my sister telling a family friend about it. My heart fell apart that day, no questions asked. I knew I was never told about it for my own sake, I mean not many parents would want to tell their seven year old their father killed himself, that age is way to young to even begin to try and understand that. By that time, the closer I thought I once had, wasn’t there at all, and it won’t ever be there, sadly. I could never hate my father for what he has done, I’m just angry with him a bit, but I know I can’t be. Being mad won’t change anything, it won’t bring him back. I know this. I just wish things made sense. He never seemed to be the person to do such a thing. He seemed to be the happiest person I knew. As the years have gone on, and now I’m turning eighteen in a few days, I realize I still haven’t faced the things about it that I should have. I never cried back then, now a days I cry more then I thought I could. Thinking about it, I have realized this has made me into the person I am right as I write this today. I realized my trust issues all lead back to this moment in my life. I wish I could change it but I know I can’t.

The second guy, was a friend I met back when I first started highschool, back when I was around fourteen. A highschool friend from one of my classes? No. The story is awkward, and for years I’ve made little lies about it, but now it’s time for the truth. He in fact is a friend I met online. Sounds really creepy when someone first hears it, but in a really sad way, I’ve met some of the best people I’ve ever talked to online. The site was called the doll palace, TDP, as our “group” called it. The site wasn’t like myspace or facebook, it was more inviting for people to actually talk about things. Anyways, enough about the lame site that it is. Dustin became one of my closest friends, someone I could count on for anything. I knew he would always be there for me, no matter how idiotic, stupid, and weird I got. Somehow, I don’t know, my feelings changed into a crush for the kid. A crush is what it remained, but after my revealing of my feelings, and with nothing afterwards, our friendship still remained strong. It never got any of that awkward crap that seems to like to happen if someone tells someone else they like them. By some act of “a higher being”, my group fell apart slowly. I rarely went on the site anymore, and only keep in touch with so few after I left. Dustin was the one I’d talk to once every two months if I got back on the site for a day. Then thanks to the oh so wonderful creation of myspace, we found each other again. Happiness for sure that day. Talking like nothing changed, and like we talked everyday since I left. I finally remembered how much that kid meant to me, and how much I really missed him. He somehow found a way to put a smile on my face just by saying hi to me, and for that, I love him to death. Things aren’t meant to stay the same though, as time went on, he slowly started not coming online as much. Days offline went to weeks, and weeks to months. My friend and I got the news we’ve been finally waiting for on day, where the hell did he go for so long. The answer, he was entering the national guard. A shocker for sure. I remember the last time I spoke to him was around Halloween of 2007. Nearly two years, really. It doesn’t feel like that long, but it has been. As days go on, I still think of him everyday, wondering if he is alright, and where he is. I miss him more then he could probably ever think of, and think of the day that we will talk again.

The other day, when I was struggling to get to sleep, thanks to anxiety problems and over thinking every little bit of detail in my life possible. I started to realize that the people I trust the most in life, seem to leave me at some point. Which brings me to the third person who I’ve trusted.

My friend, and the guy I like a lot, who will go named as boy. I met this one back, oh lets say two years ago since that is basically what it is, when he moved here and came to my highschool. I’m normally no good with meeting new people, but with him it was different. Somehow I became good friends with him fast. Problems basically started when one of my other guys friends went from being best friends with him, to hating him, for pointless reason. I noticed myself starting to grow a tiny crush on him, but basically keep it to myself, seeing as he was with someone else. It remained a tiny crush, nothing more. Once his relationship had ended, I noticed him to be more talkative with me. Then came the oh so lovely thing that will get any H.I.M. fan to melt. He told he could play Soul On Fire on guitar. My mind basically went “jhjkhjdha”. That is the easiest way to describe it. Meanwhile with all of this, my other friend was basically telling me how to live, and telling me to stay away from boy. Then came that oh so wonderful day I wish I could take back. Whiling we were hanging out, he tried to kiss me, which I didn’t allow. Yeah, why? I’m an idiot basically. Well really, I have that oh so lovely problem of pushing away people I like, just so I can’t get hurt in the end. Oh, but for more of the fun. Later that night, I get a lovely little IM from boy saying he was drunk, and that’s why he tried to kiss me. Well, that’s what I wanted to hear right? Too bad I never explained to him my reasoning thanks to his bitch ass excuse. I know I let my other friend effect my reaction that day, and I do hate myself for it. For some reason, I thought I would be smart to tell my friend what happened the next day. Oh big mistake. She went and told my other friend, which ended up in boy getting threatened, and to never speak to me. Something we both didn’t even bother listening to. Forbidding things seems to make people want it more, doesn’t it. Anyways, nothing between ever change, and by the end of the summer I was pretty sure my crush on him was gone. Wrong I was, again. Once school started up again, it was basically the same thing all over again, but this time I was more obvious for my feelings for him, seeing as they were much more then they were the year before. He too seemed to show his feelings more. Too bad me getting sick and having to leave the last few months of school, basically ruined a lot. Senior prom, the moment every girl is supposed to love right? For me, it a day I wish I could forget. Anxiety attack decided to ruin the whole night. I started to realize that it seemed boy didn’t care too much, seeing as all I got were hugs and seeing if I was okay, never asking me what was going on. My friend basically had to explain what was going on with me, and he still didn’t do crap. I told myself that was because he probably didn’t know what to do. Now after prom, things to me totally changed from the moment we got back into the limo to go to our schools after prom. He was more comforting. I finally thought things between us could happen. I love how I think these things, but it always seems to work out the wrong way. Things definitely started to change for the worse in my eyes. We barely started talking, and whenever I started to try and talk to him, he got the attitude that he didn’t want to talk to me. Then, what really gets me, while I went on a weekend vacation with one of my best girlfriends, that he was having a graduation party. You know, seeing as we are [were?] great friends, you think he at least mention it to me. Nope. So in my angry, and sadness on the car ride home, I used my friends phone to text him about ask if he was having a party since ‘she’ heard he was. He said nope, too bad our other friend texted us later saying he came back from the party. Nice huh?

I know that in a few short months he will be leaving for college, but still he is acting like a complete fool to me right now. One moment he is all flirty with me, saying how hot I’d be naked? And then the next not wanted to talk to me at all. Confusion. I know I need to talk to him about these things before he leaves, but it’s just hard when it feels like the other person isn’t listening or doesn’t really care enough to try to. I’m tired of spending nights crying over this, and getting no sleep. I didn’t even get everything out in this entry, just the basics of what is running through my head. There is way more to him then this, but sigh it would be pages and pages if I tired to keep writing it all out.

I’m really just sick of having the feeling of the people, well guys, I trust the most, just leave my life with barely any explanation at all.

I probably won't write much on this site, I've had it for awhile and just never wrote anything. I mainly got it for Valo Daily and stuff like that, but yeah, I might use it for photography who knows.

Anyways, layout credit is in need.